The past letting go of me

The wind roared into her ears as Vera stood on the bridge. She looked out on the water and was mesmerized how the, now, dark substance seemed to know how to capture the light. She used to be like that once.

Her hand touched the soft skin on her girlfriend’s belly. ‘You’ll be my wife one day’, she whispered and in that moment she even believed it herself. But the truth was much more grim. Sure, she liked the girl she was kissing and making love to, but it was nothing more then that. The girl was nothing more then a way to keep her entertained.

Vera swallowed as her eyes started filling with tears. Maria warned her, she had told her that one day Vera would see the truth and it would become too much.

“So, you are just giving up on us?” Maria’s voice had a certain edge to it that Vera disliked. “I’m just saying that I need time to think.” She was breaking the girl’s heart and she knew it. Maybe that’s why she didn’t have the guts to tell her she was already seeing somebody else.

“You are running away from this Vera, you are running from your feelings. I’m getting to close to you and it scares you. I don’t understand, why don’t you just let me in?” “You are already in, already under my skin.” Vera snapped back before gasping for air. This was not happening. “Will you fight for us?” Maria’s voice cracked. “I cannot do this.” Vera’s response was plain, emotionless. “So that’s it then?”

That was it. Or at least Vera had thought. But she should have known that Maria was smarter then that. About two days later she had found out about the new crush and had banned Vera out of her life ever since. Her last words being that Vera did not deserve to be in it.

The rain finally started to fall down on her tear stained face. Maria had told her that Vera would never be happy unless she was willing to face her own problems. That every relationship would end the same way like theirs, if she did not change. She had laughed at the girl and told her that the experience would only make it easier. But that had been a lie.

Lesly broke up with her after 3 months. It’s not that Vera expected much from their relationship anyway, since it was just a rebound, but it still stung. It wasn’t the getting dumped, but the being alone. So Vera went out and partied with her friends. Her credit score, which Maria worked so hard on, went down again and her boss noticed that she was drunk more often then not. 6 Months after the break up Vera found herself single, jobless and soon to be homeless.

She was confronted with her loneliness and she had nowhere to go. She never had a safety net, unlike Maria. It was the first moment where she dared to admit to herself that she missed her. She missed the girl she promised she would propose to. She missed the girl who would drop everything just to talk to her. She missed the girl that sincerely had loved her, even though she had been so cruel to her. For the first time in 6 months she picked up the phone and texted her.

‘Can we talk?”

“Not right now.”

Vera stared at the screen. She was gone. The girl who would drop everything for her just turned her down. The girl who would call her immediately if something was wrong ignored Vera’s plea for help. She had lost her.

Her fingers felt stiff while she tugged on the lace. She couldn’t even come up with a good reason why she untied her shoes. It didn’t really matter anymore, anyway. But they were designer shoes and she would hate to see them ruined.

Vera had walked out of the clinic after 2 years. She was clean, but alone. She had lost her dog, her cat and all of her friends but one. Lily-Anne stood in front of her car and smiled weak. “Let’s go home.” Vera had nodded.

2 years and 3 months down to the day Vera tried one more time. She picked up her phone and texted Maria.

“I would like to talk to you.”

“I am sorry, who is this?”

“Vera, I need to speak with you Maria.”

“I am afraid you have the wrong number, this is Bill.”

The guy sent her a picture of himself and a puppy. Even though it made her laugh, it still stung that she now had no way of contacting her ex. When she told Lily-Anne the woman grew silent. Vera raised her eyebrow until she finally got the answer. “I don’t think she wants to be in contact with you anymore. She is happy now V, don’t mingle in that.”

Even her best friend had seen the pain she once brought on Maria and suddenly it hit Vera. Maria was happy now and that could have been with her. She could have had it all, everything she longed for so much. She gave Lilly-Anne a kiss on the cheek and walked out of the apartment.

Vera sighed as she listened to the wind howling around her bare ankles. She had been horrible. She had led people on, used them and even abused them. On purpose, she realized that now. And on her path of destruction she had found something so pure, something that could have saved her if she had let her. But she had been scared and pushed her away. Now she realized that Maria was all she had ever wanted in her life. All she ever needed. She had known then and the thought had always haunted her. But Maria did not need her, she was happy. So life was worth nothing. She had been chasing the stars but didn’t see that she already had the moon.

***
The water was cold and sucked her in immediately. The blow had punched all the air out of Vera’s lungs and the current tugged on her legs. The lights shifted fast above her head while they slowly started to fade.

“Baby,” a soft hand woke Maria, who shot up. “It’s okay love, you just had a dream.” The woman looked at her fiancé and then snuggled up in her arms. She sighed contently as she felt the hot breath tickling her neck. “You want to talk about it?” Maria shook her head. “Nah, it was just the past letting go of me.”

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